The Wanting of the Hammer
by celtic-nymph
Summary: A parody of the Nordic myth. Thor has his hammer, Mjollnir, stolen by the Frost Giants. Loki helps Thor on the quest to get the hammer back! Dramatic music


**The Wanting of the Hammer**

The walls of Asgard, stronghold of the Aesir gods, glistened with the new fallen snow. The wall seemed a bit unnecessary since the snow made an impenetrable fortress on its own. This was due to Bob, the god of Care-taking, who was forever raking the snow away from pathways into mounds with his Rake of Wonderment. It was _always_ snowing in Asgard so poor old Bob (if you can call an immortal _old_) was _always_ busy.

But on this particular morning, while raking the snow away from the entrance to the gods many halls, Bob heard shouts of fury that shook the very air around him. This tremendous shudder caused snow to slide off the turrets above and splat on Bob's patiently raked patch.

"Oh, deary me... deary me..." Bob often muttered to himself like this, as he was very antisocial. Raking snow forever does that to you.

The enraged yells got louder and the stomping of enormous feet could be heard approaching at such a speed not thought possible for the weight the feet were carrying. Then, without warning, an angry, hairy, apparently mad god burst through the magnificent entrance doors. Splintered wood littered the snow and Bob had to pull a particularly nasty piece out of his forehead.

The mad god was frothing at the mouth, glaring at Bob, who now had a hole in his face that would attract the attention of Asgard's visitors instead of his glazed, slightly fanatical look.

"I WANT MY HAMMER! WHERE'S MY HAMMER!" the god's spit formed a waterfall on Bob's unconcerned face.

"Oh, deary me... deary me... lost 'is hammer has he? That can't be good... deary me..." Bob wiped his face on his grubby sleeve and continued to rake, picking up bits of wood as he went.

A hastily approaching figure appeared in the distance. But by the time Loki, puffing wildly, reached the entrance doors, it was too late.

Thor was shaking Bob by the throat and yelling obscene things, or rather, spraying obscene things at the God of Care-taking.

"Thor, you great berk! What do you think you are doing!? Put Bob down _now_!" Loki called out from an intelligent distance.

"HE SAID I _LOST_ MY HAMMER! I WOULDN'T LOSE MJOLLNIR! I WANT MY HAMMER!" Loki wiped his face. Maybe a much more intelligent distance would've been a few miles back...

"Look, Thor, just... just put Bob down, the poor god looks a bit greener than usual... yes, good Thor... now say sorry."

"Sorry, Bob." Thor mumbled in a surprisingly small voice.

"Come inside now, and tell dear old Loki _everything_" Loki tugged at Thor's huge arm and pulled him in through the door's gap that was shaped a bit like Thor... Loki didn't ask, he just assumed.

♣

To Loki's dismay, the hammer couldn't be found in Asgard.

Not finding the hammer was a huge blow to the Halls of the Gods. Without Mjollnir nestled firmly in Thor's hands, Asgard was vulnerable to frost giant attacks.

There was nothing for it. Loki, God of Mischief and Shape changing, would have to descend upon Earth and begin searching there.

"I don't think Thor, God of Moping, Whinging, Sulking and Being-So-Unbelievably-Annoying, will accompany me. And it's _his_ flaming hammer!"

Loki grumbled all the way to the rainbow path; the only road connecting Earth with the Heavens.

"That'll be four pieces of copper, sir," said Frank, God of Ticket selling, "and I'll have to see your passport."

Loki grumbled even more as he handed over his passport and, reluctantly, four pieces of copper.

_You'd think it'd be gold pieces_, Loki thought, _this is a rainbow, after all_.

Glancing down the multicoloured path with its multicoloured railing, Loki smirked.

"You poor gods," he said this more to himself, "always struggling up and down this... this weird...." He started laughing and in front of Frank's eyes, turned into a hawk and flew towards the snow capped peaks below.

Frank's eyes followed Loki until he was less than a dot before he said to himself, "I think he's a little mad."

♣

"So, you haven't seen a large hammer buried in the snow then?" Loki's attempts at finding Thor's Mjollnir had led him to the realm of giants known as Jotunhiem.

"Nah, sorry. How are things with the gods?" Thrym, king of the frost giants, replied.

"Things are bad with the gods, very bad." Loki sighed and rubbed his forehead.

"This hammer that you're looking for... It isn't Thor's hammer is it?" Thrym asked.

Loki looked up "Yes! Have you seen Mjollnir?"

Thrym laughed and shrugged. "Yeah, I stole the thing last night."

Loki nodded and turned to leave. He then stopped dead.

"You did WHAT! You stole it, are you mad?! Thor will kill you!"

Thrym shrugged.

"But, Thrym... Why?" Loki asked, clearly bewildered.

"Oh, you know, the usual," Thrym replied, "Asgard is left unguarded and we frost giants can invade without being squashed, etcetera, etcetera."

Loki sighed. "Okay, so what do you want? Perhaps you're interested in gold? And possibly some precious Asgard jewels thrown in?"

Thrym laughed and shook his head. "Nah, mate, sorry. I want Freyja as my wife."

Loki's shoulders slumped. "Okay, right. I'll be leaving for Asgard then. Any chance of you telling me where this hammer is?"

Thrym laughed loudly and pointed to the ground. "Eight miles under, I'm afraid, mate."

Loki miserably took on hawk form and flew towards the heavens.

♣

Thor was not happy. "I want my hammer! And you're telling me it's buried under the snow?! Why doesn't Freyja want to marry Thrym? I'm sure he's nice."

"He's a frost giant! Of course she doesn't want to marry him!" Loki replied, angrily pacing Thor's room.

"Why won't dad or any of the other gods help?" Thor asked, tears stinging his big, black eyes.

Loki sighed his trademark sigh. "There comes a time, dear Thor," Loki placed his hands on Thor's arms, "when even your father, Odin, believes you will manage alone. The other gods are just angry, and they're blaming you because of it. Don't let it get to you!"

Thor pulled out of Loki's grip and wiped his eyes hastily on his sleeve. Gruffly he said, "I didn't!"

Loki smirked. His best friend was the biggest, fattest liar ever! Even at god school Thor always came up with the same uninventive excuse for not doing his homework ("Seriously, ma'am, Rover, God of Dog-like Behaviour, ate it!").

After finding out Loki's daughter, Hel, had run off to be ruler of the Netherworld, Odin had always considered Loki pure evil and the moment his only friend, Thor, went against him, he was out. Loki had tried to reason with Odin, explaining that he only thought Hel was going through a phase of black clothes, black make-up and was a complete pyromaniac for recreational purposes. But Odin's patience was only stretched so far... By finding the hammer and returning it to Asgard would mean that maybe, just maybe, Loki could get Odin to trust him again.

"So, what did Freyja say, exactly?" Thor asked.

"Well, not 'I want my hammer', that's for sure!" Loki answered, thinking hard. "I even brought her precious bridal veil to her hall! You know what she did? She got those ugly little naked children with wings to tie me up in the cursed thing!"

"So you still have the veil, then?" Thor enquired.

Loki's eyes looked from the veil lying on the dusty floor to Thor and back again.

Thor watched Loki perform his ritual of 'cunningly plotting' with interest.

Loki's eyes lit up. "That's it!" He looked at the veil and then at Thor.

Thor looked from the veil and then at Loki. "No way, Loki, that's too embarrassing!"

"But its perfect, Thor! You pretend you're Freyja and get your hammer back in the confusion! Don't you see? It's a foolproof plan!"

Thor looked at the huge translucent veil. "But, Loki... What will the others think?"

Loki smirked his trademark smirk. "Trust me, Thor. I'll be your bridesmaid. We'll be gone and back before they even realise what we were up to."

"Why," said Thor, "do I not believe you."

♣

Thrym could see the outline of a slim bridesmaid and his veiled goddess approaching in the distance. He was shocked. "Freyja actually came! I never thought she would agree! Ah well, she'd make the most perfect of wives." Thrym laughed to himself and sent orders up to his chilly hall to have the food prepared and the seats covered in straw.

When at last Loki reached Thrym, the two had to wait for the panting bride; he nodded his respects to the king of the frost giants and said, "As you wished, highness of Jotunheim, I have brought Freyja here to be your bride in exchange for the hammer Mjollnir."

Thrym nodded and glanced eagerly at the breathless Freyja.

"Ah, my beautiful Freyja," Thrym noticed the hair, the size and the breath, "right, well... You've certainly changed from... Well, we all change at some point, don't we, I s'pose."

Loki, in his most feminine voice added, "The hair will keep you warm on frosty nights... Being a frost giant, you'd get quite cold, I'd imagine..."

Thrym suspiciously looked up and down his bride-to-be.

Thor wasn't in a good mood so he grunted in a high-pitched way at Thrym. It was Loki's fault Thor was currently so irate. On the way to the rainbow causeway, Thor had seen nearly all the gods hiding behind trees and bushes giving up or receiving bet payments. He knew Loki had something to do with this...

"Does she speak?" Thrym raised his eyebrows as he examined only the prominent features he could make out of the face behind the veil.

"I want my ham... " Loki silenced Thor with his lethal, well-practised don't-you-dare-say-another-word look.

"She mutters, occasionally... But you don't want to hold conversations with her, do you? That's obviously not what you want her for, is it?" Loki asked innocently, with an air of hinting and nudging.

"Well, there's not much else worth _doing_ with her, is there? Her breasts are like cantaloupes... And that's not a compliment here, sweetheart," Thrym added looking at Loki's excitement, "Cantaloupes are often mouldy and out of shape down here, they're probably perfect up in Asgard though."

Loki looked at Thor's makeshift breasts. They _were_ perfect Asgard cantaloupes!

"I mean, cupcake, imagine you were a frost giant. Would you sleep with _her_?"

Loki had always known that the frost giants were intelligent, but tactlessness was not a characteristic he was familiar with. Loki had another idea. "Thrym, that's not very sensitive of you!" Loki yelled angrily while winking at him.

Thrym was clearly confused and looked at Freyja/Thor.

While Thrym had his back turned to Loki, the bridesmaid looked at Thor, nodding discreetly but encouragingly at him. "Cough, cough, ahem."

Thor bared his teeth and blinked harshly over and over again. Loki smiled sympathetically. _I wonder if Thrym saw Thor attempting to smile ladylike and flutter his eyelashes through that veil, and if he did, did he even know what the bloody hell his bride was doing!_

Thrym turned back to Loki and raised an eyebrow.

_Damn. He saw but he was well and truly baffled by Thor's odd behaviour._

Loki had another ingenious plan. "Freyja, may I have a word with Thrym, _alone_, please?"

Thor didn't realise Loki was asking him a question and he continued to look at the ground for clumps of snow shaped like hammers.

Loki pulled Thrym aside and said quietly, "I shouldn't be telling you this, but here goes. Freyja has disguised herself as a hairy..."

"Fat?" Thrym put in, helpfully.

"Yes, fat-ish sort of ogre..."

"That's the spitting image of Thor?"

"Yes, right. Looks like Thor, but she isn't..."

"Sorry to interrupt, honeybee, but where exactly is this going?" Thrym asked.

"Well, isn't it obvious? She's disguised herself as this hideous piece of work behind me," Loki jabbed his thumb over his shoulder at Thor, "to see if you really love her. And when you kiss her she will instantly turn back into her beautiful self."

Thrym thought about this while he watched his grumbling fiancée pick her nose and kick the snow. He turned back to Loki, smiling. "All I can say is she's doing a bloody great job!"

♣

It was feast time and Thor was famished. He devoured an entire ox and followed that with eight salmon.

The feasting table was silent as they watched Freyja eat nearly everything her veiled eyes came into line with. Including several tankards of mead; to wash all that food down with.

"I like a healthily eating woman," Thrym addressed his giant guests, "it shows that she understands and enjoys the important and precious things in life, such as food instead of appearance."

Loki nodded happily at Thor who gave him the I-want-my-hammer look. Loki sent back the will-you-be-patient look and Thor sent back the I'm-sorry look.

Thrym's sister came up to the bride and bridesmaid and made what she wanted very clear. "I want some rings from Asgard. You will oblige as part of the dowry no doubt?"

"After the hammer is returned... Maybe." Loki said coldly, smirking at her.

"Ah, yes. That thing I stole from Thor. Go fetch it will you, poppet," Thrym said to his sister, "the longer you take, the longer away mine and Freyja's kiss is (he winked at Loki) and the longer you have to wait for your Asgardian rings."

Thrym's sibling dashed out of the hall and it was only a matter of minutes before she returned carrying Mjollnir proudly.

Thor was so excited by the sight of his hammer that he stood up and snatched it from the giantess and began cradling it.

"And now, fair Freyja, that kiss." Thrym leaned in close; his breath was warm and smelt of mint. His eyes connected with Freyja's and they held for a moment... And then Thrym lifted the bridal veil.

"Hello, big boy. 'Ave a kiss from your old mate Thor!" Before Loki could stop him Thor had raised the hammer and brought it down on Thrym's huge head, flattening his skull. Then Thor decided to squash Thrym's little sister. And maybe a few more wedding guests just for the sake of it.... Thor felt powerful again with Mjollnir between his hands. It was a few moments later when Thor realised there were no giants left in the room to crush and so he stopped.

Breathing heavily, Thor took a look around the hall.

"Sorry, Loki. I saw red... " Thor tried to apologise for his murderous behaviour.

"Yeah, well now I flaming well see red! All over the walls, in fact! Learn to control yourself, Thor!" Loki yelled.

Thor looked at his feet.

Loki couldn't help it; he had to smile at his massive friend. "Let's just get out of here before the mistrals and such arrive."

**The End**

_By _

__

_Celtic Nymph_


End file.
